Rakes, Requiems, and Raindrops

In looking through my older posts for some information, I discovered something today.  Tony has died, though I'm not sure exactly when.  He had scheduled a post to go up later today that went along the lines of 'If you see this, I'm dead, but I took one of you with me,' though in not as kind wording.

I do feel sad for the friend I had long ago, but I am glad that his pain is over. After losing Gabrielle, he wasn't the same.  He let his anger consume him.  He let himself become... something else.  And I'm not referring to his transformation into the Rake-creature.  In the message he intended to go up, he spent more time lauding his kill than focusing on his then-impending death.  He became so consumed by revenge that nothing else mattered.  For what it's worth, I pity him.

He also mentioned others like him.  Rakechildren, he called them.  They seem to be similar to Proxies, but I will have to investigate more to find out.

The place I've been staying recently has been getting a lot of bad weather recently.  Lots of rain.  Raindrops are beautiful things when they fall so slowly.  The puddle's surface dipping, then rising, throwing droplets in the air, and then shuddering back into itself...  First broken, then deformed, and then reformed.  I hope to be like a puddle of water in the rain.  I lost my legs and my parents to a car crash, and I lost my self and Lucia to my pride and power.  Now I've given up my legs for the sake of humility and I rarely use my powers.  But still I don't think I'm worthy of returning to the people I once knew.  It wouldn't be right.  I still feel like there's no place for me.  And by all rights there isn't.  Tony is dead, my old home is destroyed, Lucia probably couldn't forgive me, and the Promethean... I don't even know where he is.  I've looked, but I can't find him.  I can only guess that something has killed him.

I thought that I had managed to build my life up to something that was good.  Lucia gave me the drive and inspiration to make so many good things, but in the end, I really was very selfish.  I worked so much that I really did neglect everything in favor of making more discoveries.  And in the end... I wasn't right for her.  She mad em happy, and lord knows some of our debates on religion were some of the best fun I ever had, but we should have stayed friends.

My tutelage with Vassago made her worry over me when we had known each other for less than a month.  Thinking back, it was really bound to cause us to go into an unripe relationship.  Hindsight is crystalline, I suppose.  But everything seemed so... perfect.  I had my legs again, the power I'd been researching, and a woman who loved me.  It seemed right, like everything had finally fallen into place.

I'm going to try to search out Tony's allies, and possibly the Promethean, if I can find him.  Judging by Tony's comments, the Rakechildren are somewhere near Pittsburgh.

I'll have to change the name on this account back, too.  The picture as well...  I can't stand looking at that picture anymore.

Come to think of it, I wonder if Tony did kill anyone before dying...  Hopefully no one got hurt.

Mentality

Clark again.

I've been traveling again, doing some studying, or rather continuing what I have been for the last... nearly five months.  My research has involved various stories, of people showing alternate forms, personalities that function well beyond the abilities of a dissociative personalty should be able to.  My findings have come to one conclusion, though it's a simple theory, and one that I cannot confirm anymore.

I suppose I should be somewhat of a pain and explain the process behind it first.

Slender Man, as we know, brings out highly psychotic tendencies in people, even his followers.  His stalking normally causes paranoia, but often causes other mental instabilities, including the possibility of a personality split.  Now, applying that logic to someone who already has a disorder that exhibits alternate personalities, and him affecting each personality, the possibility that one or more personalities could have unforeseen developments is honestly one-hundred to one.

To summarize my point, I believe that Lucia's exposure, however small, to Slender Man, has agitated her preexisting schizophrenia and spawned the creature we know as Fear.  Slender Man stirred Lucia's mental condition and produced something altogether worse.

This makes me wonder, how have other people with similar conditions reacted to Slender Man's influence?

Dissapointment

From the desk of Clark:

For as long as I can remember, there have been three words that mean more to me than anything else.  Three words that, to me, are the definition of comfort and happiness.  And no, none of those words are 'love'.

'I can see.'

By themselves, they say that I have perspective, that I am capable of knowing and that I do know.  With other words, they gain a new meaning.

'I can see your point.'

Now it means that I understand you, and that I see the same thing you do.  You aren't alone.  There are nearly infinite things that 'I can see,' which brings me to my most disturbing point.

I can see that Tony has seen fit to take over my blog account for his own reasons.  And the picture he has put here tells much of his fate.  I can only wonder what has happened in the broad world that has caused this...  I still can't bring myself to look, though.  It's not my place anymore.  I can see that.

Discount Holiday Candy

More than one post in a single year / week.  That's new.

It's amazing the things that can change what we are thinking of.  In this case, it was a box of discounted Valentine's chocolates.  It made me remember how happy I was back then, happy just to know that there was someone who cared and that I could care for.  Obviously, it wasn't meant to be, and never will be, it seems.

Come to think of it, I can really be perfectly candid here, now, as I doubt anyone still reads this.  Perhaps a few years from now I can look at this and laugh at what a fool I sound like.

I miss her.  Every moment of every instant that I'm flashing by the world I miss her.   I can't think of anything really more to say about it than that.  I just know that I was happy with the life we had, precarious as it was.  I've considered trying to meet them, but that's unlikely to work for a few reasons.  One, I don't know where any of my housemates are anymore, and two, I doubt Lu would be exactly enthusiastic to see me.

As for news that isn't me whining about an unfair youth, very little aside from my still being in possession of the bastard cane from bastard Zwei.

Amazing, how I live so fast compared to normal people, yet so little is worth putting to words.

Cards

I did a few things with my old Tarot decks for the first time in what to me has been years.  It's interesting, seeing what kids of trick shuffles you can do hen everything moves so slow.  I've barely even touched these since that last one I did.  I suppose I... saw something I shouldn't have, or somesuch...  But now I don't even know what I'm supposed to see.  Lost my touch, I suppose.  I need to move on, I suppose.  It's hard to move anymore without cheating and using magic.

Oh, one more thing.  I had another dream last time I slept, which wouldn't be odd, but I only have dreams every few years anymore.  It was some monster like that slender man, but he had a face.  An unnaturally wide smile, and just one eye, with skin that looked like it's been dead for a while.  Nothing particularly off, I suppose, but I was somewhat expecting a lack of a face, rather than that nightmare...

I should go...

A dream

I think I'll post here when something comes to mind and I can find a computer to use.

I had a dream last night.  About her.  Lucia.  She was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her.  I reached out to her, but the closer I got, the more she faded away.  And then she disappeared altogether.  I turned around, and there was some humanoid thing, shaped by symbols.  It reached out to me, and I saw myself disappearing just like Lucia did.  I finally faded away completely.  That's when I woke up, in time to move away from a Proxy who happened to stumble upon me when I was asleep.  I don't think he knew how I got away so fast.

I have been thinking recently, just how much I changed, back when I first got my powers.  I became more brash, more occupied with exploring my powers, more determined to do great things.  And I think it's because of that that everything turned out this way.  The gifts of demons are truly too much for mankind, but unfortunately I cannot bring everything back to the way it was.  Not everything at least.

The first thing to change, I think, will be my legs.  Perhaps losing my legs again will force me to remember my humility.

Of Icarus and Dementia

It has been hard to get back on here.  I keep vowing to post something, anything, but every time I get on my computer anymore, I end up completely stupefied on what to write, as evidenced by my writing about my lack of things to write about.  I haven't even looked at the other blogs on here.  I don't think I could.

These last several months have been spent just sightseeing.  Mostly in flight.  The world seems to distant from the clouds.  So carefree.  Even the time spent typing here seems so oppressive.  I think I'll go flying now.